What Key Elements Make a Relationship Actually Work?

Let’s be honest: relationships can feel confusing.

One minute you’re drawn to someone and the next you’re wondering, “Is this real, or just a crush?”

That uncertainty is totally human, and it all starts with understanding the building blocks of connection.

When we meet someone who sparks our interest, a lot is happening beneath the surface.

Attraction and chemistry aren’t just about looks; they’re shaped by both biology and psychology.

Humans tend to like what feels familiar; the more we see someone, the more comfortable we become with them.

That’s the mere exposure effect in action, the simple idea that familiarity creates preference.

So spending time together, even in small ways, can make someone seem more appealing.

But it gets even more interesting.

Ever notice how you feel more attracted to someone after an exciting or intense experience together? There’s a reason for that.

When our bodies are in a heightened state, like on a thrilling date or during a stressful moment, our brains can mistakenly associate those strong emotions with the person we’re with.

That’s one reason chemistry can feel so powerful early on.

And sure, cues like eye contact, effortless conversation, or just feeling relaxed around someone can feel like magic.

But it’s important to remember: a strong initial connection doesn’t automatically mean you’ll build a lasting relationship together.

Long-term love needs more than a spark.

It needs shared values, trust, and clear communication, among other things.

So, with that in mind, for the rest of this article, we will dive into various aspects of the first parts of a relationship and discuss various crucial parts to consider if you’re serious about making a relationship work with someone.

And we’ll start with,

Infatuation: Is It Love or Just a Rush?

We’ve all been there: that dizzying, all-consuming feeling early in a relationship that feels intense and all-encompassing.

That’s infatuation, and it’s powerful.

Our brains flood with chemicals like dopamine and adrenaline, making everything feel exciting and new.

But here’s the catch: infatuation is often built more on idealisation than on reality.

We focus on the positives and conveniently ignore the flaws.

That’s not love, at least not yet.

Infatuation doesn’t always come with commitment or deep understanding.

It’s easy to mistake that euphoric fog for something serious, and in the process, overlook important red flags or differences that matter in the long run.

So if your heart is racing, take a breath and ask yourself: “Am I attracted to this person, or am I chasing a feeling?”

This kind of self-reflection will help you see whether what you’re feeling is a brief high or the seed of something deeper.

Why Shared Values Matter More Than You Think

Once the initial rush of infatuation settles, and after we’ve asked ourselves whether what we’re feeling is real or just a chemical high, the next big question becomes: What actually matters to you in life?

This is where shared values come into play.

Values are the beliefs and priorities that guide how you want to live, love, and make decisions.

They’re the silent roadmap we each carry: how you view family, what role work plays in your life, how you relate to money or spirituality, or what kind of lifestyle feels meaningful to you.

And here’s the key:

When they don’t, even the strongest attraction can slowly unravel into tension and frustration.

Here’s a simple way to think about it:

Infatuation answers “Who am I attracted to?”

Values answer “Who can I grow with?”

For example, imagine two partners who are deeply emotionally connected, but one wants children, and the other doesn’t.

That’s not a small preference.

It’s a value that shapes everything from routines to life goals.

Or think about someone whose career is their central passion, while their partner hopes for more slow-paced, family-oriented days.

Those differences are not deal-breakers in theory, but they require honest conversations if the relationship is going to thrive.

So, how do you actually explore values without it feeling awkward?

It starts with curiosity and openness.

Instead of making assumptions, you ask thoughtful questions and listen, really listen, to the answers.

Some gentle starters include:

• What role does family play in your life?
• How do you imagine balancing work, rest, and relationships?
• What are the things you’d never compromise on?

It’s not about grilling someone; it’s about building a shared understanding.

And just as important as asking questions is paying attention to how aligned, or not, your responses feel.

If you find yourself hesitating or glossing over answers, that’s worth noticing too.

The goal isn’t perfection, it’s clarity.

You want to know whether you and this person are heading in roughly the same direction, or whether your lives might pull you in very different ones.

Recognising these alignments (and misalignments) early on doesn’t take away from the magic of getting to know someone; it actually enhances it, because you start building a connection on shared purpose rather than hope.

And once you’ve got a clearer sense of each other’s values, you’re better prepared to talk about how you communicate, handle conflict, and support each other’s needs, which is where relationships really deepen.

Attachment Styles: The Patterns We Bring Into Love

Once you’ve begun to uncover whether your values align, the big-picture beliefs about life, family, work, and priorities, it naturally leads to another deeper question: How do we relate to each other emotionally?

That’s where attachment styles come in.

Attachment styles are like invisible relationship habits we learned long before we ever went on a date, often rooted in early life experiences.

They show up in how we connect, how we handle closeness, and how we respond when things feel stressful or uncertain.

Think of it this way: values help answer what direction you’re moving in together, whereas attachment styles help explain how you move through emotional moments together.

Psychologists typically describe four main attachment patterns:

• Secure — comfortable with closeness, able to communicate needs without fear or avoidance
• Anxious — deeply invested in connection, sensitive to perceived distance or reassurance
• Avoidant — independent, wary of emotional vulnerability
• Disorganised — moving between closeness and withdrawal in unpredictable ways

None of these styles are “good” or “bad” in isolation; they’re descriptive, not judgmental.

But they do shape the way you show up: how you respond to conflict, how you ask for support, and how you interpret your partner’s behaviour.

For example, someone with a secure style usually feels confident expressing needs and trusting their partner’s intentions.

Someone with an anxious style might quickly worry that a delayed text means rejection.

Someone avoidant may pull back when things feel emotionally heavy, not because they don’t care, but because they’re uncomfortable with intensity.

Here’s the beautiful part: once you understand these patterns in yourself AND in your partner, you gain context rather than frustration.

You start to see that what feels like rejection might really be someone’s way of coping with stress.

You start to communicate in ways that make sense to both of you. And that’s incredibly empowering.

A simple way to start exploring this together is to ask gentle, reflective questions like:

• When you’re upset, what helps you feel understood?
• What makes you feel safe in a relationship?
• Is there anything from past relationships that still affects how you connect today?

Again, this isn’t a test, it’s connection.

It’s saying: “I want to understand how your heart works.”

And as you begin this exploration, you also build a foundation for something even more essential: understanding what you both need to feel fulfilled, safe, and loved, which is what we’ll talk about next.

Identifying Human Needs and Relationship Satisfaction

So you’ve explored values, and you’ve started to understand each other’s emotional wiring; that’s huge.

But even when values align, and attachment styles are compatible, there’s another layer that determines whether a relationship feels truly satisfying: our fundamental human needs.

Think of needs as the emotional fuel that keeps a relationship running.

It’s one thing to like someone; it’s another to feel seen, valued, and secure with them.

When these deeper needs are met consistently, relationships feel stable, joyful, and sustaining.

When they’re neglected, even great relationships can feel empty.

At the core, most people want three big things:

Love — to feel genuinely cared for
Validation — to know that their experiences and emotions matter
Security — reassurance that they are safe, supported, and not alone

These needs aren’t superficial; they’re intrinsically human.

They shape how we behave, how we react in conflict, and how we show up for our partners.

The trick isn’t just to want these things, it’s to communicate them clearly and listen to your partner when they express theirs.

A practical way to start is simple self-reflection.

Ask yourself:

• What specific behaviours make me feel loved?
• When do I feel most understood?
• What makes me feel safe in a relationship?

Maybe it’s consistent check-ins during the day.

Maybe it’s physical affection.

Maybe it’s receiving honest emotional feedback.

Whatever your answers are, they’re legitimate and worth knowing, not just for you, but for your partner too.

And here’s where the magic happens: when you share your needs, and your partner shares theirs, you begin to build a mutual language of connection.

You start to anticipate what makes each other feel secure.

You stop guessing and start understanding.

Couples who make a habit of this kind of open dialogue, checking in on what’s working, what isn’t, and what each person needs, tend to experience lower conflict and greater satisfaction over time.

It’s not a one-time conversation.

It’s a rhythm.

It’s saying, “I want to grow with you, and I want to understand you.”

Now, this doesn’t mean every need will be met perfectly every day; we’re human, after all!

But it does mean that when you know each other’s emotional landscape, you can navigate misunderstandings without spiralling into frustration.

And as we move into the next piece, talking about red flags and deal breakers, you’ll see how understanding needs can help you distinguish between normal bumps in the road and patterns that might point to deeper incompatibility.

Recognising Red Flags and Deal Breakers

Now that you’ve started tuning into your deeper needs, love, validation, and security, you begin to notice something important: not all discomfort in a relationship is created equal.

Some misunderstandings come simply from mismatched communication or misunderstanding a partner’s emotional style, those are fixable with patience and openness.

But other behaviors aren’t just mismatches… they’re warnings.

These are the red flags and deal breakers we all need to understand before they become bigger problems.

Here’s why this matters: when your core needs aren’t just temporarily unmet, but actively dismissed, minimised, or violated, that’s not relationship stress; that’s a structural issue.

And knowing the difference empowers you to protect your emotional well-being instead of twisting yourself into knots trying to justify what’s unhealthy.

So what does that actually look like in real life?

• Manipulative behavior — when a partner uses guilt, pressure, or emotional games to get their way. This doesn’t build connection; it creates imbalance and fear of speaking honestly.
• Consistent avoidance of meaningful conversation — not the occasional “I’m stressed,” but a persistent pattern of shutting down every time feelings matter.
• Emotional unavailability — not just being distant sometimes, but making it a habit to prioritise personal comfort over connection or closeness.
• Disrespect or dismissal of your feelings — especially when offered with defensiveness or blame. Valid emotions deserve acknowledgement, not minimisation.

These aren’t just “quirks”, they are relational trends that, over time, erode trust, safety, and mutual respect.

But here’s the thing: not all red flags are loud alarms.

Some are quiet whispers you learn to hear once you’ve practised understanding your needs.

For example, if you’ve learned that validation matters deeply to you, but your partner consistently interrupts, dismisses, or laughs off your emotional expression, that pattern isn’t random; it’s a signal.

A pattern of avoiding conflict may feel “peaceful,” but if it comes at the cost of not talking about what matters, that’s a compatibility concern too.

A “deal breaker,” on the other hand, is something you define before you’re in too deep, a boundary born from your values and needs.

And these aren’t negotiable.

Examples include:

• A partner who refuses to communicate respectfully
• A partner whose life goals are fundamentally incompatible with yours
• Repeated emotional harm without effort or accountability

Identifying these doesn’t make you pessimistic; it makes you discerning.

It helps you stop mistaking intensity for compatibility and instead look for people who are actually safe to grow with.

And once you can spot red flags and know your deal breakers, you’re better able to engage in the kind of communication that keeps relationships healthy and thriving, which is exactly what we’ll explore next.

The Importance of Communication in Building Strong Relationships

Once you’ve learned to recognise your needs and spot red flags, something important starts to become clear: many relationship challenges are less about what happens to you and more about how it’s communicated.

Think about it, nearly every disagreement, every misunderstanding, every moment of frustration in a relationship usually stems from one thing: a communication gap.

Not always a big one, often simply that one person feels unheard while the other doesn’t realise they’re speaking a different emotional language.

And here’s the heart of it: good communication isn’t just about talking, it’s about connection through clarity.

Real communication has two parts:

1. Expressing — saying what you truly feel
2. Receiving — listening with real intention

This feels deceptively simple, but it’s where most relationships either strengthen or start to fray.

What Good Communication Actually Looks Like

A lot of people think communication means being honest, and that’s true, but how you’re honest matters just as much as what you’re honest about.

Here’s the key:
Healthy communication is clear and respectful. It essentially creates safety, not attack.

For example, instead of:

Try:

That subtle shift, reframing from blame to felt experience, changes the whole tone of the conversation.

It invites cooperation rather than conflict because it says “I want to share” rather than “You’re wrong.”

Listening works the same way.

But meaningful listening isn’t just waiting for your turn to speak.

It’s actively tuning in, trying to understand the emotions and needs underneath the words.

That usually looks like:

• Not interrupting
• Summarising what your partner said before you reply
• Asking clarifying questions like “When you say that, what does that feel like for you?”
• Acknowledging emotions before launching into solutions

But this doesn’t come naturally to everyone. It’s typically a skill you build together.

Turning Fights Into Understanding

Conflict isn’t a sign that something’s wrong; it’s a sign that care is needed.

What is a problem is letting conflict turn into criticism, contempt, or withdrawal.

Here’s a better way to handle it:

1. Pause before reacting
   When emotions rise, take a breath. Give yourself a moment to centre your intention: I want connection, not victory.
2. Use “I” statements
   They help you speak about your experience without placing blame, which keeps your partner open, not defensive.
3. Validate before you solve
   Even if you don’t agree, acknowledging emotions builds trust. “I hear that this made you feel overlooked” goes a long way.
4. Check in after conflict
   Once things calm down, revisit the conversation with care. Ask: “What helped? What hurt?” This builds relational resilience.

Healthy communication isn’t silence between explosions.

Instead, it’s a steady rhythm of honesty, curiosity, vulnerability, and respect.

Communication as a Bridge to Deeper Connection

Here’s the heart of what we’ve been building toward so far:

Now, all of that is important, but none of it thrives without communication.

With that in mind, the next step after mastering communication is learning how to build a foundation of long-term compatibility, where all these pieces don’t just exist, but support each other.

We’ll dive into that next, and you’ll see how the path to lasting connection isn’t mysterious at all…

It’s intentional, courageous, and deeply human.

Building a Foundation for Long-Term Compatibility

So we’ve explored attraction, values, needs, and communication, and you’ve learned how to recognise red flags and build trust through dialogue.

The next natural question is: How do all those pieces come together to create something that lasts?

Because here’s the real heart of relationship success:

Therefore, let’s unpack what building a strong relationship foundation actually looks like in practice, and how all the earlier pieces you’ve been thinking about weave into a stronger, more aligned partnership.

First,

1. Mutual Respect Is Non-Negotiable and Actionable

When we talk about respect, we’re not just talking about being polite.

We’re talking about a deep-seated belief that your partner’s thoughts, feelings, goals, and boundaries matter just as much as your own.

And so, mutual respect shows up when:

• You listen without judgment
• You value each other’s perspectives, even when you disagree
• You celebrate differences instead of seeing them as barriers

And trust me, that is sometimes harder than it sounds.

But, fundamentally, in my opinion, respect is the soil in which every other part of compatibility takes root.

Next,

2. Emotional Support Isn’t a Bonus, It’s a Daily Practice

Compatibility isn’t built solely by excitement or common interests.

It grows when both of you consistently show up for each other emotionally.

That means:

• Being present when your partner is stressed
• Offering reassurance when they doubt themselves
• Showing care even when it’s inconvenient

With that said, emotional support isn’t something you declare once.

That’s also why, in my experience, couples whose relationship shifts from a long-distance one to being together all the time can suffer.

It’s vastly easier to show up for your partner in a big way every now and again than daily, in good times and bad… all the time!

Also,

3. Shared Goals Create Shared Purpose

Values aligned? Check.

Communication strong? Working on it.

Great.

Now let’s talk direction…

Where are you going as a couple (or potential couple)?

Imagine for a moment two people with different dreams:

• One dreams of launching a business
• One dreams of slowing down to start a family

Now, these aren’t inherently incompatible dreams, BUT they require negotiation, empathy, and cooperation if you’re going to move forward together.

Without a doubt.

If you don’t, you’re going get caught out at some point.

Now, let me just be clear…

Shared goals don’t mean you give up your individuality.

They do, however, mean you find rhythms that help both of you thrive as individuals AND as a couple!

Next,

4. Collaborative Growth Builds Trust and Momentum

You and I both know that life isn’t static…

As people, we’re constantly changing, evolving, and learning.

And that looks like:

• Supporting your partner’s growth without feeling threatened
• Growing emotionally, not just logically
• Facing challenges as a team, not as adversaries

Understand that relationships become fertile ground for growth when both partners see progress as something they pursue together, not against one another.

This is super important if you want long-term happiness as a couple.

The moment you become opponents in the same game, you’re f#cked.

Also,

5. Rituals and Check-Ins Strengthen the Connection

Compatibility is not a one-time discovery but rather an ongoing dialogue.

This is not a set-and-forget kind of situation.

We know from experience and experts that couples who stay connected over time tend to do a few simple things:

• Regular check-ins about how they’re feeling
• Updates on needs as life changes
• Space to talk about what’s going well and what’s not

And these conversations don’t have to be heavy. They just have to be honest and consistent.

Think of them as emotional maintenance…

They keep small issues from becoming big ones and reinforce the sense that you are partners, not opponents.

Next,

6. Humour, Presence, and Play Matter Too

I’m sure you know this, but just in case you don’t…

Compatibility isn’t only about deep talks and serious moments.

It’s also being able to:

• Laugh together
• Be playful
• Enjoy ordinary days with ease

At a foundational level, playfulness is vital to creating connection and compatibility in love relationships, as it creates a sense of joy, spontaneity, and mutual engagement.

That playful dynamic then also encourages open communication, reduces tension during conflicts or tough times, and reinforces the bond through positive experiences.

More than that, though, playfulness helps partners remain adaptable and resilient in the face of challenges, fostering a deeper understanding and appreciation for each other’s personalities.

That appreciation, in turn, makes the relationship resilient in the long run.

So, I can say without any doubt that shared joy is an underrated predictor of long-term satisfaction in any love relationship

You must foster it.

So,

Compatibility Isn’t Static, It’s a Living Thing

Here’s the bottom line:

It’s something that:

• Grows with intentionality
• Deepens through shared language and understanding
• Is practiced day in and day out
• Rests on respect, support, and adaptability…

And, importantly, becomes more resilient because of all the inner work you’ve already done: exploring values, understanding needs, communicating with care, and recognising unhealthy patterns.

Now, I understand that it may sound like a lot, but honestly, it is a journey.

It’s also deeply human, richly rewarding, and rooted in connection instead of expectation.

A Blueprint for Measuring Relationship Potential

Ok, by now we’ve covered everything from initial attraction and infatuation to values, attachment styles, needs, red flags, communication, and long-term compatibility.

We’ve tried to help you get a deeper understanding of who you are, who the other person is, and how you (and people in general) navigate life together.

So let’s bring it all together in a practical, grounded way, what I call your relationship blueprint:

It’s essentially a 7-step roadmap you can use to assess, reflect, and engage in relationships that have a real chance of thriving rather than just surviving.

Step 1: Check the Chemistry (Attraction + Awareness)

First, ask yourself:

• What am I drawn to in this person? Is it physical attraction, personality, values, or emotional presence?
• And is this feeling rooted in genuine connection or a temporary high?

We already know that strong chemistry can be exciting, but it becomes meaningful only when it’s accompanied by deeper insight about the person and the situation.

Step 2: Explore Values Deeply

Some experts suggest that values are like our internal GPS, guiding motivation, behaviour and direction.

In short, values answer the question:

Do we want similar things out of life?

So, talk about:

• Family and future goals
• Career and ambition
• Lifestyle preferences
• How decisions are made (will be made in case of pets, kids, finances, where you live, and so on)

Importantly, shared values don’t mean being identical, but they DO mean moving in compatible directions.

No amount of great chemistry will replace misaligned values in the long term.

Step 3: Understand Emotional Wiring (Attachment Styles)

Take time to reflect on:

• How do I relate to closeness and intimacy?
• How does my partner respond to stress or conflict?

Knowing this gives you context for all emotional responses and helps you communicate in ways that build connection rather than distance.

If you want a more in-depth look at attachment styles and how they affect relationships, you can check out this article here.

Step 4: Clarify Your Needs

If values give you direction, needs give you safety and fulfilment.

You need both.

So, identify and share early on:

• What makes you feel loved?
• What brings you security?
• What validates your worth?

Don’t guess your partner or date’s needs; talk about it.

Needs are not weaknesses; they are maps to emotional safety and relationship longevity.

Step 5: Spot Patterns Before They Become Problems (Red Flags & Deal Breakers)

This is where I slightly differ in perspective in that healthy relationships aren’t about eliminating every problem — they’re about recognising patterns and deciding what’s workable for you.

This is a crucial difference even if it doesn’t sound like much…

Yes, let me be clear: repeated behaviours like dismissiveness, a lack of follow-through, avoiding difficult conversations, shutting down during conflict,repeated disregard for your boundaries, or needing constant reassurance can be early signs of deeper incompatibilities.

But context matters.

A partner who’s highly spontaneous could feel exciting to someone who values flexibility, yet stressful to someone who needs structure and planning.

The key isn’t labelling behaviours as universally “good” or “bad,” but noticing how those patterns affect your sense of safety, respect, and emotional well-being.

At the end of the day, relationship success isn’t about perfection.

They are about compatibility and whether the dynamic genuinely works for both of you.

So, look for trends over time and not isolated moments. We all have our off days.

Ultimately, patterns reveal the direction of the relationship, and you need to make sure you’re happy with where that’s going for you.

Step 6: Practice Real Communication

As we already discussed, healthy communication means:

• Expressing honestly without blaming
• Listening without defensiveness
• Checking in, not checking out

But equally, good communication is not a one-off skill.

It’s the glue you develop over time that holds everything else together.

Step 7: Build Compatibility Intentionally

Compatibility isn’t found but grown over time.

And you do that intentionally through things like:

• Mutual respect
• Shared goals and collaboration
• Emotional support in ordinary and hard moments
• Rituals of connection (check-ins, quiet time, laughter, shared projects)

When those things happen, compatibility becomes a lived experience and not just a hope you live with.

The Heart of the Blueprint

At the end of the day, this is what it all really comes down to:

Attraction brings you together, but values, needs, communication, and shared purpose keep you together.

When you’re willing to:

• Know yourself deeply
• Communicate honestly
• Listen with intention
• Navigate conflict with care
• Grow together over time

…you don’t hope for a healthy relationship, you create it.

Final Thoughts

Relationships are human.

They’re messy, beautiful, confusing, exciting, disappointing, and rewarding, often all at once.

Now, the blueprint I gave you above isn’t a checklist to follow blindly.

It’s a lens to help you see more clearly: yourself, your partner, and the shared life you’re building.

You don’t need perfection.

But you DO need awareness, communication, alignment, and the courage to choose what nurtures both your heart and your growth.

And that is what a real connection is built on.

Now, if you’re still unsure, I created a free online tool to assess compatibility, which you can do below.

However, it’s not meant to be professional advice or a diagnosis of any kind – just a tool to start a conversation with.

I hope it does that for you.

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Here’s an online tool to help you…