November is a special month dedicated to celebrating National Adoption Month. During this time, we honor the families that have been created through adoption and acknowledge the many children who are still in need of permanent homes or reunification. However, beyond the joyous celebrations and heartwarming tales lies a complex emotional journey that is often misunderstood, downplayed, or overlooked.
For over four decades, researchers in the field of adoption have emphasized that adoption is not just a one-time event or legal process; it is a lifelong journey of development. In their influential book “Seven Core Issues in Adoption and Permanency,” Sharon Kaplan Roszia and Allison Davis Maxon identified seven emotional themes that are consistently present among all members of the adoption community: adoptees, birth parents, adoptive parents, and extended family members.
These themes are not considered to be pathologies but rather predictable core vulnerabilities that stem from the intricate nature of adoption. Understanding these vulnerabilities allows us to move beyond simplistic narratives of adoption as solely “beautiful,” “grateful,” or “saving,” and instead recognize it as a multifaceted experience where love and loss coexist throughout a person’s life.
1. Loss: The Foundation of Every Adoption Story
Adoption begins with loss, regardless of the love in the adoptive home or the necessity of the separation. This loss is a central aspect of every individual within the adoption community. Adoptees may experience loss in various forms, including the separation from their biological family, the absence of genetic mirroring, the lack of medical and ancestral history, the disconnection from their cultural or racial heritage, and the loss of early trust and security. Birth parents also mourn the loss of their child, a grief that is often invalidated or ignored by society. Adoptive parents, too, may grieve in their own way, facing challenges such as infertility and the misconception that babies do not remember separation.
2. Rejection: The Fear at the Core of Adoption Issues
Loss often gives rise to feelings of rejection, whether real, perceived, or feared. This fear of rejection impacts all members of the adoption community. Adoptees may internalize feelings of rejection and unworthiness, leading to shame and fear of abandonment. Birth parents may feel rejected by society, their community, their families, and even by their own child later in life. Adoptive parents may fear not being enough for their child or feel inadequate compared to the child’s biological family.
3. Shame and Guilt: Silent Companions in Adoption
Shame and guilt are deeply intertwined with the adoption experience, with many adoptees internalizing feelings of defectiveness, unworthiness, and wrongness. Birth parents may grapple with shame about an unplanned pregnancy, guilt about the decision to give up their child, and social judgment. Adoptive parents may also experience shame surrounding infertility, guilt about “taking” a child from another family, and fears about their legitimacy as parents.
4. Sadness: A Recurring Emotion in Adoption
Sadness in adoption is not a one-time experience but rather a recurring emotion that resurfaces throughout a person’s life. Adoptees may experience grief at various milestones in their lives, while birth parents mourn the holidays, milestones, and moments they never get to witness. Adoptive parents also grieve the losses experienced by their child and the complexities of healing that cannot be simplified.
5. Identity: The Lifelong Question of “Who Am I?”
Identity formation is a challenge for all individuals, but for adoptees, it is complicated by missing information, cultural dissonance, and unanswered questions. Adoptees often struggle with the absence of medical history, genetic context, cultural heritage, and ancestral story. Birth parents may feel fragmented in their identity, while adoptive parents may face disempowering comments that challenge their parental legitimacy.
6. Intimacy: How Early Separation Shapes Relationships
Early separation in adoption can impact relationships throughout a person’s life. Adoptees may struggle with intimacy, fear of abandonment, emotional withdrawal, and attachment issues. Birth parents may find it difficult to trust others due to unresolved grief, while adoptive parents may fear emotional competition with birth families.
7. Mastery and Control: Regaining Power After Powerlessness
Adoption often brings a sense of powerlessness for all parties involved. Adoptees may feel a lack of control over the circumstances of their adoption, leading to behaviors like defiance, perfectionism, or rigidity. Birth parents may feel silenced and stripped of agency, while adoptive parents navigate feelings of powerlessness in the face of trauma and uncertainty.
In conclusion, understanding these seven core vulnerabilities in adoption can shift the focus from simply completing a legal process to supporting families on a deeper emotional level. By embracing honesty, emotional expression, honoring sadness, eliminating shame and secrecy, including biological parents in the narrative, prioritizing the needs of adoptees, and seeking adoption-competent therapy when needed, we can create a more compassionate adoption culture. Adoption is not about replacing one family with another but about integrating a child’s origin story with honesty, dignity, and compassion. Healing occurs when we acknowledge and honor every part of the adoption journey, allowing for resilience, integration, belonging, and self-understanding to flourish.