I long for the children I never had.
The ache in my heart is not from a physical loss. I have never experienced the joy of pregnancy or the sorrow of a miscarriage. There are no baby photos tucked away in a drawer, no memories of tiny hands and sweet smiles. And yet, there are two girls who exist only in my mind, two daughters I have imagined and loved.
I cannot pinpoint when this daydreaming began. Perhaps it started when I first wondered what I would name a child if I were ever blessed with one.
The yearning I feel is bittersweet. It is a desire that tugs at my heart, a longing that lingers in the corners of my mind like a cherished memory. It is not a pain to be resolved, but a feeling to be embraced.
Recently, I discovered a word that perfectly encapsulates this emotion: saudade. A Portuguese term that describes a deep longing for something that may never be fulfilled. It is a feeling that visits unexpectedly, reminding us of what is missing, what is absent, what is lost.
Saudade is not a temporary ache that can be soothed. It is a persistent yearning, a longing that has no solution. It is a desire that exists for its own sake, a feeling that does not seek resolution.
In my musings, I have given names to these imaginary daughters of mine. Josie Rose, the eldest, with her tomboy spirit and fierce determination. And Babette, the youngest, a name that exudes elegance and playfulness.
I hold a tender affection for these girls, for the idea of them, for the possibilities they represent. Saudade, I realize now, is the perfect word to describe this tender ache in my heart.
Saudade is not mere nostalgia or regret. It is a longing that does not demand to be fulfilled. It is an emotional weather that ebbs and flows, a state of being rather than a problem to be fixed.
Distance from desire can be a powerful force. It can fuel creativity, inspire growth, and deepen our capacity for love. The absence of what we desire can shape us in profound ways, leading us to new insights and discoveries.
The key is to embrace our desires, to live with them at a respectful distance. To hold them close enough to feel their presence, yet far enough to prevent them from consuming us.
My imaginary children, Babette and Josie Rose, are not symbols of regret or longing for a different life. They are reminders of the love and tenderness that reside within me, waiting to be expressed and shared.
Saudade gives a name to this unfulfilled life, this existence in the realm of what could have been. It teaches us that some desires are meant to be carried, not fulfilled. They are meant to be cherished and acknowledged, even if they remain unattainable.
In the end, all it takes is a word to give meaning to our deepest longings. And saudade is that word for me. It is a reminder that some desires are meant to be lived with, not resolved. They are meant to be embraced, held close, and cherished for the beauty they bring to our lives.