In today’s conversations, there is a growing focus on the concept of inherited trauma. This refers to the attitudes or fears that are triggered by the knowledge of what your family members or ethnic group have endured. However, what often goes unnoticed is the tendency to over-identify with a parent’s trauma, leading to reactions based on fear or anger that may not be warranted in your own situation.
I have a personal experience that exemplifies this. My mother, who grew up in Los Angeles, married a Canadian man and moved to Winnipeg. This move brought about chronic homesickness in her, a feeling that I witnessed firsthand. Determined not to follow in her footsteps, I made the decision to move to LA as a young adult, fully embracing the city and never intending to leave. However, my plans took a turn when my husband requested that we relocate to a small town in Oregon due to his dislike for the challenges of living in LA such as traffic, earthquakes, fires, and mudslides.
Despite the love I shared with my husband, I found myself in constant conflict with him over this decision. While I eventually agreed to the move, my focus remained on what I had lost by leaving LA rather than appreciating the positives of our new home. It wasn’t until much later that I realized how much my reaction was influenced by my mother’s sadness, which had overshadowed the fact that I had chosen this new chapter out of love for my husband.
The danger of over-identifying with a parent’s experiences lies in the fact that your own circumstances may not align with theirs. This can lead you to react as if they do, causing unnecessary anxiety or hindering your ability to fully embrace your current situation. I once had a client whose father’s upbringing in poverty led to an ingrained frugality that persisted even after he achieved financial success. Similarly, my client, despite his own success, found himself unable to break free from this mindset, ultimately damaging his relationships.
To uncover hidden sources of your motivations, delve into your parents’ stories that were frequently shared during your upbringing. These narratives often hold clues to your present reactions. For instance, if your mother’s near-death experience in a boating accident instills a fear of boats in you despite taking safety precautions, or if your father’s volatile behavior leads to an unwarranted fear of your own anger, these patterns may indicate an over-identification with parental experiences.
Ask yourself probing questions to determine if over-identification with a parent is influencing your reactions without your awareness. Reflect on the life lessons that trigger anxiety or anger, examine your attitudes towards money in relation to your upbringing, and consider how your parents’ conflict resolution methods have shaped your own coping mechanisms. By scrutinizing these aspects, you may uncover patterns that are no longer serving you, allowing room for personal growth and a shift towards more empowering strategies.
Remember, you are not bound by your parents’ experiences. Challenge inherited fears, question the origins of your emotions, and seek out new approaches to navigate life’s challenges. Embrace the truth of your own reality and liberate yourself from outdated narratives that no longer align with who you are today.