Breaking Free: The Power of Saying No
Growing up can be a challenging experience, especially when faced with overbearing parents who try to control every aspect of your life. For one individual, learning to say no to her mother was a difficult journey filled with power struggles and moments of defiance.
From a young age, this individual’s mother imposed strict rules and expectations, dictating what was acceptable and what was not. Despite having dreams of attending Stanford and pursuing her own path, her mother’s influence loomed large, restricting her choices and limiting her freedom.
The first major confrontation occurred when she was attending Duke University and wanted to visit her boyfriend at another college. Her mother’s attempts to control her actions were met with resistance, as the individual asserted her independence and challenged her mother’s authority.
As she pursued a career in medicine, another clash arose when her mother opposed her pro-choice beliefs and threatened to disown her if she performed abortions. Despite the emotional turmoil, the individual stood firm in her convictions and continued to advocate for women’s reproductive rights.
Reflecting on her upbringing, she realized that she had been conditioned to be compliant and accommodating, always putting others’ needs before her own. This pattern of behavior, known as fawning, was a coping mechanism developed in response to her mother’s strict demands.
It wasn’t until she left home and began to assert her own beliefs and values that she started to break free from the cycle of fawning. Through therapy and self-discovery, she learned to set boundaries, prioritize her well-being, and stand up for herself.
Now, as she and her partner work on a book exploring the health implications of fawning behavior, she hopes to raise awareness about the importance of asserting oneself and saying no. By breaking free from the need to please others and prioritizing self-care, individuals can reclaim their power and live authentically.
In a world that often expects compliance and conformity, learning to say no can be a revolutionary act of self-love and empowerment. It’s a journey that requires courage, resilience, and a willingness to challenge the status quo. But in the end, the freedom that comes from honoring your own truth is worth it.
Hopefully, by empowering individuals to heal the fawning trauma response, they can begin to say no, set boundaries, become more authentic, and spare their nervous systems from the chronic dysregulation that accompanies fawning. This chronic dysregulation can lead to immune system dysfunction, chronic inflammation, and various physical illnesses and symptoms.
Fawning is not just about people-pleasing; it is a reflexive trauma response that falls under the same category as fight, flight, and freeze. While fighting involves confronting danger, fleeing entails escaping it, and freezing stops you in your tracks, fawning prompts you to appease the threat. It is not a conscious decision; it happens in a split second, much like a reflex action. Fawning is the nervous system’s way of seeking safety through compliance, obedience, caretaking, or self-erasure.
When you engage in fawning, you prioritize others’ needs over your own, ignore your instincts and preferences, and sacrifice your self-protection to maintain a positive relationship with others. You constantly monitor others’ reactions, laugh at hurtful jokes, and offer help without being asked, all in an effort to avoid conflict. This behavior may stem from childhood experiences where being compliant and indispensable was necessary for survival.
However, beneath the surface of this caretaking behavior lies a highly sensitive nervous system that learned early on that disappointing others could lead to disconnection, which equated to a threat to survival. Breaking free from the fawning response involves learning to pause before reacting. This pause allows other parts of your psyche to weigh in and make a conscious choice rather than impulsively fawning as a survival mechanism.
Why Pausing Is Challenging
Fawning occurs almost instantaneously, before conscious thought kicks in. Your body detects a potential threat in someone’s tone, facial expression, or behavior, triggering the fawning response without your awareness. To pause in these moments, you need to develop interoception, the ability to sense what’s happening within your body in real-time. If you grew up in environments where tuning into your body was unsafe, you may have learned to ignore these internal cues.
Reclaiming interoception involves recognizing physical sensations like a tight throat or racing heart as early warning signs that you’re about to engage in fawning behavior. These cues serve as reminders to slow down and consider your response before reacting automatically.
Transitioning from Reflex to Choice
Healing from fawning does not mean never fawning again; rather, it involves catching the impulse to fawn earlier and decreasing the gap between awareness and action. Eventually, you can reach a point where you recognize the fawning impulse but choose to pause and respond differently. This pause is where self-trust is nurtured, and new neural pathways begin to form.
Building the capacity to pause requires training the body, not just the mind. The pause must be embodied to be effective.
Practical Strategies for Cultivating the Pause
1. Name the Urge
When you feel the impulse to please or appease, pause and silently acknowledge it:
“I feel the need to please.”
“I sense tension in my chest.”
“I’m afraid of disappointing this person.”
Naming the urge shifts the focus from fear to the ability to make a choice, allowing you to regain control over your actions.
2. Focus on Your Exhale
Incorporate breathing exercises to calm your nervous system and release tension:
- Inhale slowly through your nose for a count of four.
- Exhale gently through your mouth for a count of six.
- Visualize softening the back of your heart as you exhale.
The extended exhale signals safety to your body, prompting relaxation and reducing the urge to engage in fawning behavior.
3. Practice Pendulation
Utilize somatic experiencing techniques to shift your focus between tension and safety:
Move your attention from feelings of tension to sensations of safety and back again, gradually increasing your tolerance for discomfort.
By incorporating these practical strategies into your daily life, you can strengthen your ability to pause before engaging in fawning behavior, ultimately reclaiming agency over your responses and fostering self-trust.
When we find ourselves facing a feeling or sensation that we believe will be unbearable, it can be a challenging situation. However, by pendulating between the feeling of activation and finding a sense of safety, we can actually increase our tolerance for that discomfort.
For example, if the thought of disappointing someone you care about fills you with dread, try noticing the physical sensations that arise in your body when you imagine letting them down. Feel the tightness in your stomach that comes with the activation of that feeling. Then, shift your focus to something grounding, like the feeling of your feet on the floor or the texture of the chair you’re sitting on. By moving back and forth between activation and safety in a somatic way, you can gradually build your capacity to stay present with discomfort.
This practice teaches your nervous system that it is possible to experience discomfort without becoming overwhelmed. Over time, you learn that you can sit with the discomfort of disappointing someone without losing yourself in the process.
Orienting to the Present
Often, feelings of fawning are triggered by past experiences that have left us feeling unsafe. To remind your nervous system that you are in the present moment, try practicing orientation. Slowly turn your head, let your eyes rest on something neutral or pleasant in the room, and silently name what you see. This practice helps bring your focus back to the present and away from past traumas.
Anchoring Your Pause
Choose a simple physical gesture, like placing your hand on your heart or pressing your feet into the ground, and link it to the message that you have time. By practicing this gesture throughout the day, you can train your body to pause before reacting, allowing you to respond from a place of presence rather than automatic compliance.
Practicing Micro-Pauses
Don’t wait for high-stress situations to practice pausing. Try incorporating micro-pauses into your daily interactions with safe relationships. For example, wait at least thirty seconds before responding to a text message, or take a breath before offering a solution to a loved one’s problem. These small pauses help rewire your sense of safety and teach your nervous system that connection does not require instant compliance.
Meeting Your Fawning Part with Compassion
Instead of shaming your fawning part for its protective behaviors, try meeting it with compassion. Thank this part of yourself for trying to keep you safe and let it know that it can relax now. By re-parenting your protective parts with kindness, you can help them integrate into a more balanced sense of self.
Integrating Trauma Healing Modalities
By incorporating trauma healing modalities like Internal Family Systems (IFS), Polyvagal Theory, mindful exposure, and boundaries work, you can deepen your understanding of your fawning tendencies and learn how to navigate them effectively. These practices can help you move from being a people-pleaser to a truth-teller, prioritizing your own needs and boundaries in relationships.
Remember, every pause is an act of rebellion against your conditioning. By building the muscle to pause and respond thoughtfully, you can transform your relationships and attract healthier connections that respect your boundaries and authenticity.
Attracting those who can appreciate your true self, while respecting your independence and theirs, is a powerful magnetism. It is essential to understand that compromising your integrity for love is not genuine love at all.
Take the first step and be kind to yourself. It can be challenging to slow down when your body associates it with danger. Acknowledge even the smallest achievements. Recognize the moment you almost lost yourself but didn’t, or when you paused mid-sentence to take a breath. Each of these instances is a step towards rewiring your nervous system and reclaiming your authenticity, showcasing the wonders of neuroplasticity in action.
If you desire support in practicing authenticity within relationships, with the aid of guidance, tools to regulate your nervous system, and a community dedicated to learning how to love authentically rather than out of survival instinct, then Love School is the perfect place for you. We focus on overcoming the fawn response and offer assistance to those supporting individuals who tend to fawn. Love School is where you can learn to pause, breathe, and love without sacrificing your true self.
For more information and to enroll in LOVE SCHOOL, click here.
Participants of LOVE SCHOOL will have exclusive access to a preview of the Six Steps From Fawning To Freedom, set to be released next year in RELATIONSICK. Join this incredible IFS community committed to relational healing, whether you are single, in a relationship, or recovering from past dysfunctions, in order to pave the way for a healthier future.
[Image: LOVE SCHOOL Title]
Optimize your journey towards relational recovery with LOVE SCHOOL. Click here to learn more and sign up for an enriching experience.
—
This rewritten article emphasizes the importance of self-love and authenticity, guiding individuals towards forming healthier relationships. Love School provides the necessary tools and support to break free from survival instincts and embrace genuine connections.