Dr. John Gottman and his researchers can predict with almost 95-percent accuracy whether a couple’s marriage will succeed or fail. Their predictions are based on how couples fight – not how frequently or even the content of their disagreements – but how couples actually engage in conflict. They discovered four elements to conflict – which Dr. Gottman calls “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” – that are destructive to a relationship:
- Criticism
- Defensiveness
- Contempt
- Stonewalling
If the Four Horseman mean certain destruction, how can couples avoid them? Further, is it possible for couples to use conflict to invigorate their marriage rather than allowing it to burn up their love life? Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott say “yes.”
In a recorded message on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly, you’ll hear practical advice from the Parrotts that will help you fight well and use conflict to your marriage’s advantage. For example, they explain four stages of relationship that lead husbands and wives through conflict to deeper intimacy:
- Pseudo relationships (very shallow).
- Chaos (when you start to get real).
- Emptiness (the capacity to empty yourself of the need to change another person).
- Genuine relationship (you can be who you are and still be loved).
They also explain their “X, Y, Z formula” for resolving conflict, which empowers couples to resolve disagreements by saying, “In situation X, when you do Y, I feel Z.” It structures the conversation and keeps couples on track and their discourse civil.
Dr. Les Parrott is a clinical psychologist, and Dr. Leslie Parrott is a marriage and family therapist.
While you’re online, why not take a few moments to try our free marriage assessment online tool? It will help you quickly determine what’s working well in your relationship and areas where you may need some improvement.