Dealing with Dashed Expectations During the Holidays
The holiday season is often portrayed as a time of joy, love, and togetherness. However, for many people, the reality can be quite different. Dashed expectations around the holidays can lead to feelings of sadness, loneliness, and disappointment. So how can you cope when someone you love fails to live up to your expectations during this festive time of year?
One Love School student recently reached out with this very question, sparking a reflection on how to navigate the holiday season when things don’t go as planned. This student expressed a desire to understand how to befriend the sad, lonely, and hopeless parts of themselves when life doesn’t resemble a Hallmark movie.
Reflecting on personal experiences, the student recalled a time when their mother received a less-than-ideal gift from their father. Instead of something sparkly in a velvet box, she was given a pregnant cow. This mismatch in expectations led to disappointment and tears, highlighting the importance of understanding and managing our expectations during the holidays.
Another memory shared was of a holiday gathering that didn’t quite go as planned. Despite the picturesque setting at a family farm in the Blue Ridge Mountains, capturing a photo of all the grandkids in matching pajamas proved to be a challenging task. Toddlers running amok and refusing to smile for the camera illustrated how even the best-laid plans can go awry during the holidays.
The student also recounted a darker experience involving a family member with borderline personality disorder whose unrealistic expectations often led to holiday meltdowns. Walking on eggshells and waiting for the inevitable outburst became a recurring theme, ultimately leading to a decision to avoid holiday gatherings at that family member’s home.
Personal struggles with dashed expectations during the holidays were also shared, including a particularly challenging Thanksgiving. Grieving the absence of family members and facing logistical challenges due to a recent move, the student found themselves in a difficult emotional state. Despite clear communication about their needs and desires for the day, misunderstandings and unmet expectations led to conflict and heartache.
Ultimately, the student spent Thanksgiving unpacking in their new home, feeling a sense of homesickness and disappointment. The day ended with a sense of disconnect and unresolved tension, highlighting the importance of recognizing and managing expectations during the holiday season.
In conclusion, navigating dashed expectations during the holidays requires self-awareness, communication, and a willingness to adapt to changing circumstances. By acknowledging and accepting that things may not always go as planned, we can approach the holiday season with a sense of resilience and compassion, both for ourselves and our loved ones. Embracing the imperfect moments and finding joy in unexpected places can help us cultivate a sense of peace and gratitude during this festive time of year. As I prepared some snacks and drinks to enjoy by the fire pit, the stunning beach setting and spectacular sunset helped calm our nervous systems. We found ourselves able to relax, hold hands, and chill the ice together.
On our way back home, we came across Dinucci’s, a new local spot on Highway 1 known for its homestyle Italian family dinners. Jeff suggested we have dinner there, but we were met with laughter when we asked for a table – they had been fully booked for months. We tried another local restaurant, only to find out they had just closed after a community potluck event we had missed. Despite calling multiple places and attempting to make online reservations, every restaurant was fully booked. Disappointed and hungry, we went to bed on an empty stomach. I found myself sleeping alone in my daughter’s new room, surrounded by her artwork and missing her dearly.
The following day brought a pleasant surprise when one of my closest friends, who now lives three hours away, called to invite Jeff and me to a Friendsgiving party at an old barn in West Sonoma. The gathering featured an array of fresh oysters, local wine, homemade kombucha, apple pies made from Gravenstein apple trees, and Thanksgiving leftovers. It was a balm for our souls and a satisfying meal for our empty stomachs. I recognized about twenty of the hundred attendees, and the highlight of the event was watching a group of children put on an adorable talent show – including a baby who could barely sit up playing the drums.
This experience led me to reflect on the concept of expectations during the holiday season. Are our expectations reasonable, or do they set us up for disappointment? A Buddhist therapist once shared with me that all our unhappiness stems from expectations, and if we let go of them, we would be constantly surprised and delighted. While I initially dismissed this idea, I began to question which expectations are essential for building healthy relationships and which may lead to disappointment. How can we feel safe, secure, and trusting if we have no expectations at all?
Exploring this topic further, our upcoming LOVE SCHOOL session will focus on IFS practice, creative writing, and healing work related to expectations in relationships. This ongoing community of practice is designed for individuals healing from relational trauma, learning relational skill-building, and seeking support for healthier partnerships, friendships, dating, parenting, and family life.
Additionally, we have some exciting sessions planned for LOVE SCHOOL in the near future. Topics include discussions on healing from therapist/guru/shaman abuse led by Shannon Rose and insights on making new friends when feeling lonely from friendship expert Shasta Nelson. If these themes resonate with you, we welcome you to join LOVE SCHOOL and engage in these meaningful conversations.
To learn more and become a part of LOVE SCHOOL, visit the website here.