When couples who are 50 and older decide to part ways, it can lead to what is commonly known as “gray divorce.” The impact of this decision can be overwhelming, causing shock, pain, and trauma for both the couple and their family members. Forgiveness may seem like an impossible feat for divorcing parents and their children. As Stephen Levine aptly puts it, “When trauma disrupts our future, deep psychological wounds may persist long after the initial pain has subsided.”
In my daily psychotherapy practice, I frequently encounter patients who are grappling with the emotional and physical aftermath of divorce trauma.
According to the American Psychological Association, forgiveness involves consciously setting aside feelings of resentment towards someone who has wronged, hurt, or harmed us in some way. It’s essential to understand that forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation, excusing the other person’s actions, or simply accepting what happened. Instead, it requires a voluntary shift in our feelings, attitudes, and behaviors towards the individual, allowing us to let go of resentment and embrace compassion or generosity.
Forgiveness does not serve as a replacement for the grieving process, nor does it entail forgetting or condoning the harm inflicted upon us. It’s crucial to acknowledge and mourn the losses, wounds, and pain we have experienced. Sometimes, the journey towards forgiveness can begin while we are still in the midst of grieving.
Self-forgiveness is also a vital aspect of the forgiveness process. As Mitch Albom emphasizes, “It’s not only others that we need to forgive; we must also learn to forgive ourselves for the things we didn’t do or should have done.”
Through an extensive review of research studies, Sells and Hargrave identified several key principles underlying forgiveness:
- An injury or violation causing emotional or physical pain.
- The fracture of a relationship between the parties involved.
- Cessation of perpetuating the injury.
- A cognitive process of understanding or reframing the painful event within a broader context.
- Releasing justifiable emotions and refraining from retaliation.
- Potential regeneration of the relationship, though not a mandatory requirement for forgiveness.
It’s essential to recognize that forgiveness can occur without the need to rebuild the relationship that was damaged.
Oprah Winfrey provides a profound perspective on forgiveness, suggesting that it involves relinquishing the hope that the past could have unfolded differently.
What are the advantages of forgiveness?
Research indicates that forgiveness is associated with lower levels of depression, anxiety, and hostility, reduced substance abuse, enhanced self-esteem, and increased life satisfaction. Moreover, forgiveness has been linked to various health benefits, including a decreased risk of heart attacks, improved cholesterol levels, better sleep quality, and reduced pain, blood pressure, anxiety, depression, and stress levels.
As individuals age, the connection between forgiveness and health becomes more pronounced. Those who remain entrenched in anger, resentment, and hostility are at a higher risk of severe depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, and other health conditions.
Buddhist teacher Jack Kornfield highlights that forgiveness is primarily for our own well-being, enabling us to shed the burden of resentment. However, forgiving someone does not mean tolerating injustice. Centuries ago, Confucius underscored the importance of forgiveness, stating that those who cannot forgive others hinder their own path forward.
How can parents and their children navigate the path to forgiveness?
Forgiveness is a personal journey, and individuals may vary in their readiness to embrace it.
Take Catrina, for example, a 55-year-old woman who has been divorced for two years. Through therapy and mindfulness practices, she has made significant progress in healing from the trauma of her marriage. She acknowledges the value of forgiveness and the positive impact it has had on her emotional well-being.
On the other hand, consider Sean, a 16-year-old boy whose parents are embroiled in a high-conflict divorce. Despite attending therapy sessions and learning about forgiveness, Sean struggles to let go of his anger towards his father. His resistance to forgiveness stems from a sense of empowerment in a situation where he lacks control.
If you resonate with these stories, seeking guidance from a therapist specializing in forgiveness can be beneficial.
Names and details of patients have been altered to protect confidentiality.
For therapist recommendations, explore the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
Copyright 2025 Carol R. Hughes, Ph.D.