When working with couples in counseling, it has become clear that it’s not the yelling that causes the most harm, but rather the defensive reactions. Renowned relationship expert John Gottman identifies defensiveness as one of the key factors that can lead to the breakdown of relationships. Defending oneself in a conflict blocks effective communication, fuels emotional reactions, and erodes trust between partners.
However, there is a simple yet powerful antidote that I have found to be incredibly effective in diffusing tension in relationships. The phrase that has proven to be transformative for many couples is: “That’s understandable to me.”
Expressing these five words can act as a balm, softening barriers and shifting the tone of a conversation in a positive direction.
1. Relieving Defensiveness: When we feel attacked or misunderstood, our natural response is to defend ourselves. By saying “that’s understandable to me,” you are signaling to your partner that you are not looking for a fight, but rather seeking to understand their perspective. This can prevent conflicts from escalating.
2. Validating Emotions: It’s important to note that validating someone’s emotions does not mean you agree with them. Acknowledging that your partner’s feelings are valid for them can be a crucial step towards emotional healing. Saying “that’s understandable to me” after your partner expresses pain or frustration can pave the way for emotional reconciliation.
3. Maintaining Connection: In my work with couples like Jen and Marcus (pseudonyms), I have witnessed how this simple phrase can bridge communication gaps. Jen felt heard for the first time when Marcus responded with understanding, leading to a shift in their emotional dynamic and a deeper connection between them.
4. Modeling Emotional Maturity: True growth in a relationship comes from prioritizing empathy over defensiveness. By using the phrase “that’s understandable to me,” you demonstrate emotional maturity and a willingness to connect even during challenging moments.
5. Opening the Door to Healing: According to Gottman, the strength of a relationship lies not in the absence of conflict but in how partners repair and reconcile after disagreements. Saying “that’s understandable to me” in the heat of a conflict is a small yet significant step towards building trust and fostering emotional repair.
In conclusion, practicing empathy and understanding in intimate relationships is key to building trust and fostering connection. By choosing compassion over defensiveness, we pave the way for deeper emotional intimacy and stronger bonds with our partners.