Written by guest author Rachel Haack, MA, MFTI, a therapist and consultant based in Nevada.
Let’s delve into a topic that has been on my mind for some time now, especially as I observe the evolution of therapy language online and in the therapy setting.
Lindsay Gibson’s book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents has gained immense popularity. It seems like almost everyone has either read it or heard about it. This book is being shared on social media platforms, discussed in therapy sessions, book clubs, and even covered by major publications like the New York Times. The reason behind its widespread appeal is the validation it provides to individuals who have struggled for years to make sense of challenging relationships with their parents.
Writing this piece wasn’t something I initially wanted to do. I’ve been putting it off due to time constraints, as I have a busy practice to attend to with patients in distress, families in turmoil, and an increasing number of parents seeking help after being labeled by their children with a term that wasn’t part of the clinical lexicon a decade ago. However, the resonance of this book in therapy sessions and strained relationships cannot be ignored. It’s essential to address the impact of this book on individuals and families.
Firstly: “Emotionally Immature Parent” is not a clinical diagnosis
This term is not recognized in established psychological classifications such as the DSM-5 or ICD-11. Lindsay Gibson coined this term based on her personal observations rather than peer-reviewed research. The book contains quizzes and checklists created by Gibson, but these tools lack validation.
Furthermore, creating a checklist for adult children to diagnose their parents is not a valid approach. Various factors can contribute to a person’s behavior, and attributing it solely to parental shortcomings oversimplifies a complex issue.
Despite this, many individuals tend to treat the book as a diagnostic tool. Clients often come to therapy claiming, “I’ve figured out what’s wrong with my mom—she’s emotionally immature,” without undergoing a formal evaluation. The book’s framework can lead to a reductionist view of intricate relationships.
Secondly: Alternative, evidence-based frameworks offer a deeper understanding
The behaviors described by Gibson, such as emotional unavailability and dismissiveness, can be elucidated through established attachment patterns. Understanding attachment styles like avoidant, anxious, or disorganized can shed light on how early experiences shape emotional responses and relational dynamics.
Attachment theory not only helps in comprehending parents but also aids individuals in understanding their own relational patterns. It prompts reflection on how childhood experiences influence one’s approach to closeness, conflict, and emotional needs. Therapy provides a platform to explore the past to gain insight, integrate experiences, and progress with clarity.
Moreover, attachment theory offers a non-judgmental way to comprehend individuals developmentally, fostering empathy, insight, and potentially reconciliation.
The book hinders dialogue rather than fostering it
Many clients express reluctance to involve their parents in therapy, stating that they are deemed emotionally immature and unlikely to change. This belief often stems from the book’s influence rather than personal observation or assessment. Gibson’s framework tends to dictate clients’ perceptions without encouraging a comprehensive exploration of relational dynamics.
Distortion of the framework on social media
While initially intended as a self-help concept, the book’s ideas have been amplified and distorted on social media platforms. Posts on platforms like TikTok and Instagram simplify complex issues into lists like “signs of emotionally immature parents” or advocate for cutting off relationships based on these traits. While these posts may offer a sense of empowerment, they lack the clinical nuance required for addressing multifaceted issues.
Clinicians need to remain vigilant about endorsing unverified frameworks that lack clinical validity. Upholding professional standards and ethical practice is crucial when addressing complex psychological issues.
Embracing evidence-based frameworks over fads
It’s imperative to rely on robust theoretical frameworks grounded in research and systems theory rather than succumbing to catchy labels or oversimplified explanations. Therapy should focus on understanding dynamics, fostering meaningful insights, and facilitating genuine exploration of personal and familial complexities.
While acknowledging the pain individuals may experience, therapy should not resort to labeling or promoting estrangement without thorough assessment and ethical considerations.
Final Thoughts: Prioritizing ethical and evidence-based practices
Some psychological concepts gain popularity for their immediate appeal but lack longevity due to their superficial nature. It’s essential to discern between trends and enduring therapeutic frameworks that withstand clinical scrutiny.
The “emotionally immature parent” framework, though widely embraced, may not withstand the rigors of clinical evaluation. It is crucial to approach therapeutic work with depth, compassion, and a commitment to ethical practice.
Let’s prioritize quality over popularity in our professional endeavors and uphold the integrity of therapeutic interventions for the benefit of individuals and families.