Am I Less of a Parent Because I Haven’t Given Birth?
This question has crossed my mind numerous times, not because I doubt my abilities, but because I believe parenting transcends biological ties.
I have taken on the role of a parent to my nieces, nephews, and siblings. Being the eldest, I naturally became a third parent. Through over a decade of teaching, I have also played a parental role to countless students. Additionally, I have found myself counseling parents when they face challenges in understanding their child’s behavior.
This introspection led me to ponder: Who educates parents on the art of parenting? Where do they learn to nurture a human being? Who do they turn to for guidance?
This isn’t just a question for a single generation or household. It’s a pervasive issue passed down through generations, often characterized by silence, assumptions, and outdated techniques. While we seek guidance from our own parents on raising children, many of us also carry a mental checklist of what we aim to do differently. We strive to enhance the upbringing we received, offering more love and care.
However, in this pursuit, are we inadvertently turning parenting into a silent competition of outdoing our own parents? In this race, are we potentially spoiling our children without truly addressing their emotional needs?
The Evolving Realm of Parenting
Let’s pause and reflect: Are we solely drawing parenting inspiration from our own upbringing without considering the vastly different world our children are growing up in today? The societal landscape has shifted rapidly.
While our parents raised us with an emphasis on obedience as part of discipline and often unspoken love, children today face unprecedented levels of information exposure, emotional challenges, and social pressures.
Despite these significant changes, many parents still rely on the outdated rulebook they were raised with—rewards and punishments, shame and comparison, silence and self-sacrifice. These traditional methods, once considered effective, have now become detrimental. Emotional intelligence, a concept not prevalent in the past, is now recognized as fundamental in raising well-adjusted individuals.
During my tenure as a teacher, parent-teacher meetings addressing a child’s emotional or behavioral issues frequently led to unexpected revelations. More often than not, I found myself counseling the parent rather than the child. It became evident that the child wasn’t the problem; it was the misunderstandings, pressures, and projections that needed addressing.
And this brings us back to the fundamental question: Who provides guidance on parenting to parents?
The Untrained Parent
The stark reality is that most parents navigate the journey of parenthood without formal training. They often rely on instinct, replicating what they witnessed in their own upbringing, improvising as they go along, sometimes resorting to online solutions, and frequently grappling with feelings of guilt.
There is no structured onboarding process for this crucial role. You become a parent and are expected to instinctively know how to fulfill this responsibility with sensitivity, wisdom, and love. However, love alone cannot impart parenting skills. While love fuels the journey, it doesn’t equip you with the necessary tools to handle tantrums, emotional outbursts, sibling conflicts, anxiety, or the subtle cries for help that children express through their behavior.
Let’s face it—would we accept this lack of training in any other profession?
A teacher undergoes training. A doctor undergoes training. Even a driver undergoes training. Yet, as parents—the individuals shaping the lives of future generations—there is a conspicuous absence of formal training.
The Emotional Void
In my experience, the core issue lies in emotional detachment. Many parents mistakenly equate providing material possessions with being emotionally present for their children. The pursuit of being the ideal parent has led to a distorted version of love—one that overindulges in material offerings but falls short in emotional connection.
We often misconstrue showering our children with gifts, from gadgets to exotic vacations, as effective parenting. However, children don’t reminisce about the material possessions they received; they remember how those gifts made them feel. Did we truly see them? Did we actively listen to them? Did we genuinely understand them?
Regrettably, many parents today project their unresolved traumas, unfulfilled aspirations, and societal expectations onto their children. While they aspire for their children to excel, they frequently overlook asking what success truly signifies for the child.
The Path Ahead: 5 Promising Solutions
We must normalize the notion that parenting is a skill that can and should be acquired.
Here are some solutions that hold the potential to revolutionize the landscape of parenting:
Workshops on Mindful Parenting
Similar to prenatal classes that prepare expectant parents for childbirth, there should be easily accessible and affordable workshops that equip parents with the tools to raise emotionally intelligent children. These workshops can cover:
- Understanding emotional needs based on age
- Effective communication devoid of yelling or guilt
- Managing personal triggers before responding to children
- Identifying signs of anxiety or burnout in children
- Striking a balance between love, discipline, and autonomy
School-Based Parental Support Initiatives
Schools can integrate counseling sessions for parents into their academic calendars. These sessions should focus on providing support rather than assigning blame or reporting issues. Imagine parent-teacher meetings that delve beyond academic performance to explore how the home environment influences a child’s overall development.
Healing the Inner Parent First
Every adult who steps into the role of a parent was once a child. Often, unresolved childhood traumas manifest in how we raise our own children. Therapy or reflective journaling about our own upbringing can offer profound insights into our present parenting styles. If you find yourself frequently triggered, resorting to yelling, or overwhelmed by guilt, it may indicate that your inner child requires attention as well.
Promoting a Culture of Continuous Learning, Not Perfection
Parenting is a complex journey, and imperfections are inevitable. The goal isn’t flawless execution; it’s about being conscious, responsive, and open to growth. What if we embraced the idea of saying, “I’m learning to be a better parent,” with the same ease as we acknowledge learning a new skill or language?
Listening to Children
Simple yet often overlooked, listening to children is crucial. When children exhibit challenging behavior, they aren’t being defiant; they are attempting to articulate feelings they may struggle to express verbally. Behavior serves as a form of communication. Are we attuned to their messages?
Parenting is an Ongoing Commitment
Parenting isn’t a one-time decision; it’s a daily dedication to learning, reevaluating, and evolving.
We don’t need flawless parents. We need mindful ones—parents who introspect, listen, and acknowledge when they need support. Parents who are humble enough to admit, “I may not have all the answers, but I am willing to learn.”
Perhaps, it’s time for parents to prioritize nurturing themselves first in order to effectively nurture their children.
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