Over the years, I’ve discovered how my interactions with my wife are shaped by experiences from my childhood – for good or for bad.
Maybe you’ve discovered the same thing. You have buried anger that’s seeping into your marriage relationship. Or you’re a loner who refuses help from anyone. Or you’re a people pleaser who tries to make everybody happy.
These attitudes may seem normal, but they create friction in a marriage. Some couples are so accustomed to their unhealthy patterns that they become trapped in a “conflict loop” where they routinely trigger each other without recognizing that they’re doing it.
Thankfully, you’ll get some great help on this topic from Milan and Kay Yerkovich, authors and counselors for over 30 years, and my guests on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. Also with me are Marc and Amy Cameron. Marc is a licensed marriage and family therapist, and Amy works as a psychiatric mental health nurse practitioner.
Milan and Kay have been on this program many times, talking about their “love styles” concept and explaining the predictable way husbands and wives interact with each other, often leaving them frustrated and dissatisfied. They say most marital problems don’t originate in the marriage relationship itself but in the way spouses perform the “dance steps” they learned in childhood.
Each of us identifies with one of the following love styles:
- Avoiders are emotionally distant and detached.
- Pleasers can be excessively nice and always want harmony. They don’t like conflict and don’t want to do anything that demands too much of them emotionally.
- Vacillators are committed to achieving a relational ideal. When they face disappointment, they protest – often through destructive choices – to get back to their perceived ideal. They see people as all good or all bad with very little middle ground.
- Controllers and victims usually come from difficult homes where there’s abuse or neglect. Aggressive personalities tend to become controllers, and compliant children usually become victims who have a hard time asserting themselves as adults.
- Secure Connectors are comfortable with themselves and can handle conflict and negative emotions. They are good at both giving and receiving.
These core patterns of behavior, and not your spouse, are the enemy of your marriage.
If you’re on the brink of divorce, our Hope Restored marriage intensives can go a long way toward facilitating healing between you and your spouse and restoring your relationship. The number for Hope Restored is 1-866-875-2915, or click here. The intensives take place in five locations:
- Branson, Missouri.
- Greenville, Michigan.
- The WinShape Retreat Center in Rome, Georgia.
- Cave Creek, Arizona.
- Wimberley, Texas.