As a parent, it’s always heartwarming when your child seeks out moments of closeness with you. Recently, my 10-year-old son asked if he could snuggle with me one morning, and I immediately said yes, realizing that these opportunities may become rarer as he grows older.
For me, this simple request from my son is a reassurance that my wife and I are doing a good job in nurturing a loving and secure environment for him. I even jokingly remarked to my wife that “Snuggling is the antidote to Asian shame.” This statement holds deeper meaning due to my upbringing as a child of Chinese immigrants.
In my family, love was expressed through actions rather than through physical touch or verbal affirmations. My parents, who worked tirelessly as a cook and waitress in Chinese restaurants, showed their love by providing for us and ensuring we had a comfortable life. However, we didn’t experience typical displays of affection such as hugs, words of encouragement, or moments of cuddling.
Growing up in this environment, I internalized certain beliefs that many others from similar backgrounds can relate to:
– Love is earned through achievements.
– It’s important not to burden others.
– Avoid needing too much from others.
This upbringing led me to disconnect from the importance of physical touch and view it as unnecessary or even uncomfortable. However, children have a fundamental need for non-sexual physical touch from their parents or caregivers that should not be overlooked.
The act of snuggling with your child speaks volumes without the need for words or accomplishments. When your child curls up next to you, there are no expectations of performance or achievements. They are simply seeking closeness and comfort, and in that moment, they receive the following unspoken messages:
– You are loved unconditionally.
– Your worth is not dependent on your achievements.
– You are valued just for being yourself.
These messages are particularly important for boys who may be conditioned to suppress their need for touch in certain households. It’s not uncommon to hear fathers say they stopped hugging their children at a young age, perpetuating the idea that physical affection is unnecessary.
For me, my son’s desire to hold my hand or snuggle with me at the age of 10 signifies that he still feels safe and loved in our presence. It’s a reminder that we are creating a nurturing environment where he can express his emotions freely.
In many Asian cultures, there is a strong emphasis on earning one’s place through achievements and success. This notion of “Asian shame” often leads individuals to believe they must constantly prove their worth through accomplishments. However, we have the power to break free from this cycle by showing our children that they are deserving of love and affection simply for being themselves.
Shame tells us to hide our flaws, strive for perfection, and avoid vulnerability. In contrast, snuggling with your child sends a powerful message of acceptance and love. It communicates that they are enough just as they are and that they don’t have to earn love or closeness.
So, if your child seeks out moments of physical closeness with you, whether it’s sitting next to you, leaning on you, or asking for a hug, embrace these gestures as signs of trust and security. By fostering an environment where love is freely given and received, we can create a sense of safety and belonging that transcends the need for constant validation through achievements.