Why Other People Just Don’t Get It

Have you ever found yourself puzzled by the fact that others just can’t seem to understand where you’re coming from?

Picture this scenario: your elderly parents are playfully teasing your child at a holiday gathering. However, your child is not amused and asks them to stop, but they continue despite your requests. They brush off your attempts to intervene, insisting that they are doing nothing wrong.

Now imagine your college-aged child seeking your assistance with a class or registration. They appear frustrated and ask for your help, but refuse to let you see their computer screen, touch their phone, or read their paper. As you try to assist, they become even more agitated and lash out at you for not helping them properly. Despite your repeated reminders that you need access to their materials to help them effectively, they remain irate.

Similarly, as a young adult, you may struggle to make your parents understand your need for independence and space. Conversely, as a parent of a young adult, you may be perplexed by your child’s expectation to live rent-free in your home without contributing to household expenses.

So, why do some people struggle to grasp your point of view even when they value their relationship with you and seek your assistance?

The root of the issue lies in their limited capacity for reflective functioning and empathic attunement.

Reflective functioning involves the ability to see things from another person’s perspective, acknowledge their viewpoint, and reflect it back to them through words, actions, and expressions.

Empathic attunement is closely related, focusing on one’s capacity to recognize and resonate with another person’s emotional experience, allowing them to empathize and connect emotionally.

Individuals with strong empathic attunement and reflective functioning skills can understand different perspectives and demonstrate empathy towards others.

It’s essential to differentiate between empathy, care, and sympathy. While care reflects an attitude of concern, empathy is an emotional skill that enables individuals to understand and resonate with others’ experiences. For instance, your parents may care deeply about you and your child but struggle to empathize with the child’s feelings. On the other hand, you may empathize with someone’s experience but choose not to alleviate their suffering for various reasons.

Here are actionable steps you can take:

1. Avoid assuming that the other person is engaging in rational thinking. While most individuals have the capacity for rationality, they may not always apply it in their interactions.
2. Consider the possibility that the other party may have neuroatypical traits or struggle with executive functioning challenges (e.g., ADD, mild autism spectrum, impulsivity). In such cases, practicing patience and understanding is crucial.
3. If you believe the individual is capable of rational thinking and lacks a primary executive functioning deficit, they may simply be missing essential information. It’s important to provide them with the necessary data to guide their behavior before their attitudes become entrenched.
4. When communicating, try to refrain from expressing frustration or anger. These emotions can detract from the core issue of empathetic and perspective-taking challenges and shift the focus onto personal feelings.
5. Pose guiding questions as a means of facilitating dialogue and understanding. Approach these questions as opportunities for mutual learning rather than reprimanding the other person. For instance, you could inquire about the emotions the grandchild may be experiencing due to the teasing.

6. Employ a direct approach when appropriate. Center the discussion on communication and emotional processes, emphasizing the importance of mutual understanding. Begin with an invitation to share perspectives and ensure the other party is receptive before continuing.

   If the individual immediately becomes defensive, avoid getting sidetracked by irrelevant arguments. Remind them that acknowledging your experience does not equate to admitting fault on their part.

7. Encourage the other person to reflect on your thoughts and feelings. Request their interpretation of your emotions and perspectives to foster a deeper understanding.
8. Consider the other person’s attachment style. Securely attached individuals are more likely to demonstrate empathic attunement and reflective functioning. Understanding their attachment style can provide insights into their emotional responses and behaviors.
9. Above all, strive to empathize with the other person’s perspective. By putting yourself in their shoes and considering their worldview, you can gain a better understanding of their actions and emotions. Even seemingly perplexing behaviors can be elucidated through empathetic engagement.