Being a parent estranged from your child often comes with a familiar message: if you just stop making mistakes, your child might come back to you. The list of these “mistakes” is usually presented with certainty: do not argue, explain, defend yourself, pressure, show up unexpectedly, send gifts, ask questions, or bring up the past.
The underlying implication is clear: the estrangement persists because parents keep breaking the rules set by their children. What often goes unnoticed is how destabilizing these expectations can be, and how unrealistic it is to expect grieving parents to suppress every instinct they have.
Here are ten commonly criticized parental behaviors and why the condemnation may not always be fair:
1. Arguing
Interpretation: seen as defensiveness or endangering the adult child emotionally.
In context: Arguing is a natural response when one’s intentions or identity are misunderstood. Parents often argue not to control but to correct what they perceive as a misrepresentation of their love.
2. Defending Yourself
Interpretation: viewed as invalidating or gaslighting the adult child’s perspective.
In context: Self-defense is often an attempt to maintain dignity, not deny harm. Parents are frequently expected to accept sweeping accusations without a chance to clarify. Total self-erasure should not be a requirement for reconciliation.
3. Explaining Your Perspective
Interpretation: considered controlling or minimizing.
In context: Explanation is how adults make sense of things together. Forbidding this hinders the possibility of reconciliation. Repair involves integration, not just one-sided confession.
4. Applying Pressure
Interpretation: seen as manipulation or entitlement.
In context: Estrangement creates a power imbalance where one party controls all aspects. Mild persistence often stems from fear of losing the relationship, not entitlement. Labeling all persistence as pressure ignores the realities of attachment.
5. Naming Context (Therapist, Ex, Influences)
Interpretation: viewed as shifting blame externally.
In context: Acknowledging external factors does not absolve parental responsibility. These influences can shape the narrative of estrangement. Parents can take accountability while recognizing the environment that contributes to the estrangement.
6. Showing Up Unannounced
Interpretation: seen as violating boundaries or stalking.
In context: While sometimes true, it can also be a result of generational norms or disbelief that a once-open door is now closed. Parents are asked to change habits accumulated over decades without guidance. Grace, not condemnation, can help families navigate this transition.
7. Leaving Gifts
Interpretation: considered manipulative.
In context: Giving gifts is a traditional way of showing care. Many parents do not intend to buy forgiveness but to express that their child still matters. Setting boundaries around gifts can exist without moral judgment.
8. Asking Questions
Interpretation: viewed as hostile or invalidating.
In context: Parents are often asked to apologize for events they do not fully understand. Asking questions is a normal way for adults to seek clarification in the face of vague accusations. Inquiry is not aggression but an attempt to seek understanding.
9. Taking Too Long to “Get It”
Interpretation: seen as resistance or narcissism.
In context: Change in identity, especially later in life, is gradual. Parents are expected to evolve quickly, while adult children may take years to differentiate themselves. Grief should not be equated with defiance.
10. Wanting Fairness or Mutuality
Interpretation: considered transactional love.
In context: Desiring reciprocity is not coercive. Repairing a relationship should not require one person to subordinate their reality permanently. Relationship is a mutual process.
Why These Narratives Harm Parents and Undermine Repair:
Portraying normal parental responses as moral failures instills fear in parents about their own humanity. This fear can hinder their attempts to reach out, as every instinct may seem perilous. However, this approach decreases the likelihood of eventual reconciliation. Relationships do not heal through silence, self-erasure, or unilateral surrender, but through honest communication, accountability with dignity, and time.
Guidance for Therapists (and Why It Matters):
Therapists play a crucial role in estrangement work, and their approach can either help repair relationships or solidify ruptures. Here are some key points for therapists to consider:
1. Do not equate parental pain with guilt.
2. Avoid viewing estrangement in binary terms.
3. Boundaries should be flexible tools, not rigid judgments.
4. Support clients’ ambivalence as a sign of psychological maturity.
5. Remember that estrangement affects the entire family system.
In Conclusion:
Estranged parents do not need a list of rules on what not to do; they need support, understanding, and time to navigate their emotions. Families heal through presence, stability, and patience, not through perfection.
To connect with a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.